where do I start?
by kookoolotz123
Summary: This fic starts from the beginning of the show. it's good. but don't take my word for it, read it yourself! i hope you like it. tell me if you do! this summery isn't exactly good. there WILL be sex, and strong language later in the story. Santana/Brittany Quinn/Rachel
1. Chapter 1

"Hi my name is Rachel Berry and I'll be singing 'on my own', by the seminal Broadway classic 'Lez Miz.' " "Fantastic let's hear it." said as I start my song, flawlessly I should mention. You might laugh because every time I sign my name I put a gold star after it, but it's a metaphor, and Metaphors are important, my gold stars are a metaphor, for me, being a star.

And just so we're clear, I want to clear up that hateful rumor, that I was the one who turned that closet case, Sandy Ryerson in because he gave Hank Fonders the solo I deserved! That's a lie. And I am not homophobic, in fact I have two gay dads, see I was born out of love, my two dads screened potential surrogates, based on beauty and I.Q, then they mixed their sperm together and used a turkey baster. To this day we don't know who's my real dad, which I think is pretty amazing. My dads spoiled me in the arts; I was given dance lessons, vocal lessons, anything to give me a competitive edge.

You might think that all the boys in school would totally want to 'tap this' but my MySpace schedule keeps me way too busy to date, I try to post a video every day, just to keep my talent alive and growing. Nowadays, being anonymous is worse than being poor. Fame is the most important thing in our culture now, and if there is one thing I've learned it's that no one's just going to hand it to you.

Immediately after I posted my video for that day, which was also 'On My Own', my inbox got a couple of messages from Quinn and Santana.

SKYSPILTS (Quinn): "if I were your parents, I would sell you back." and "please get sterilized."

HIGH_HO_CHEERIO (Santana): "I'm going to scratch out my eyes."

It hurt, yes. I guess I'm just happy they used proper grammar and punctuation; also it's just another thing to add to my autobiography. It wouldn't have even hurt that much if it wasn't Quinn who said it, Santana has always been mean to me, actually Santana has always been mean to everyone but Brittany.

But Quinn has always stayed quiet; she was always more of a bystander, letting it happen but never getting involved. But ever since 10th grade started she's worse than Santana, always the first to hurt me.

As I finished the song perfectly, as always, I started thinking about what every girl wishes for, to find a man to love her. "That was very nice Rachel." Mr. Shue said once I finished "When do we start rehearsals?!" "I will let you know tomorrow Rachel." "Ok!"

The first song was an awful choice, and I wasn't even the lead vocalist! Artie was, and me, Kurt, Tina, and Mercedes were all just back round, it was just awful! The song, the choreography, the lead, just awful! I mean, come on, a kid in a wheel chair singing 'Sit down you're rocking the boat' if I was in a wheel chair I'd be so offended!

"We suck." I said stating a fact "I-it'll get there; we just need to keep rehearsing." " , do you have any idea how ridiculous it is to give the lead solo in 'Sit down you're rocking the boat' to a boy, in a wheel chair!" "I think is using irony to enhance the performance." Artie said, I cut him off at the end "there is nothing ironic about show quire!" after I said that, I walked out, if no one is going to take me seriously then I'm not wasting my time.

My feet took me to the field; I was watching the Cheerios practice, they were flawless, yet coach Sylvester still found it necessary to scream "THAT'S SLOPPY; YOU'RE SLOPPY BABIES, JUST DISGRACEFUL, AND I WANT THE AGONY OUT OF YOUR EYES!" Quinn didn't look phased; she just got back to the starting position, and was being flawless again, like always.

Her body moved exactly the way coach Sylvester told her to, no wonder she's captain, she's amazing, I wish I was her, like me, I know she's going places, she's smart, beautiful, she's got it easy, she's probably going to wind up at Yale, or some other amazing college. Just like me. I know she's getting out of here, out of Lima. I was so deep in thought I hardly noticed sitting down behind me.

"You changed out of your costume" it wasn't a question, I learned how to put two outfits on without looking lumpy, you know, for when I get slushied, it happens four times a week, I changed on my way to the field.

"I'm tired of being laughed at." He exhaled like he was going to say something important "You're the best kid in there Rachel, it comes with a price-" I cut him off "Look, I know I'm just a sophomore, but I can feel the clock ticking away and I don't want to leave high school with nothing to show for it." I'm not willing to hear the same speech my daddies give me every time I get upset.

"You get great grades; you're a fantastic singer-"I cut him off again, "Everybody hates me." "You think glee club is gonna change that?" THAT'S WHAT YOU SAY! Oh, no, don't say 'no one hates you Rachel' you say 'you think glee club is gonna change that' that's good to say to a teenage girl! Ugh whatever.

"Being great at something is going to change it, being part of something special makes you special, right?" when I saw he wasn't going to respond quickly enough I started again.

"I need a male lead who can keep up with me vocally."

"Maybe I could coach Artie a little-"

"Look, Mr. Shue, I really appreciate what you're trying to do, but if you can't give me what I need, then I'm sorry, I'm not going to keep making a fool of myself. I can't keep wasting my time with glee, it hurts too much." After I finished my speech the football coach, Coach Tanaka, whistled then yelled to Mr. Shuester "SHUESTER, FIGGINS WANTS YA." Then he drove off.

Mr. Shuester got up patted me on the shoulder, and left. I continued to watch Quinn help Santana stretch, and vice versa, they're so flexible, a couple of seconds later Quinn and I made eye contact, she was squinting, and once she realized it was me her face quickly changed to one of hate, brow furrowing and eyes staring daggers though me.

Santana followed her gaze and laughed, she leaned over her own leg, on top of Quinn's shoulder, and whispered something to her, Quinn looked extremely freaked out, and uncomfortable, and then just laughed like it was the most hilarious thing she's ever heard. Luckily coach Sylvester told them to "SHOWER AND STOP CRYING!" after I saw them fully gone, I went home.

Dad thought I was being 'ridiculous' and that I should stop being overly dramatic "I am being just dramatic enough! Where is daddy he'll understand!"

"Daddy's at work princess, he will be home to hear all about your problems later."

"Ugh! When will he be home?"

"Five o'clock."

"But dad, its 4:30, I'm going to die!"

"Call one of your friends." I frown at this.

"What friends." It wasn't a question, and I'm surprised he heard it, I said it so quietly. He put his paperwork down and took his glasses off. "Come here Princess." He extended his arms and pulled me in for a hug "I love you Baby girl." He whispered in my ear, still holding me tight. I couldn't help my face mixing in to that hard frown you get, to swallow the lump you have in your throat from trying not to cry.

With his hands on my shoulders, forcing me to look at him, he pulled away. "You're the best one in there Rachel; it comes at a disadvantage-" I cut him off "Dad."

"No Rachel, listen to me, it's important-"

"No! I know what you're going to say, you're going to tell me that I'm smart, and talented, and beautiful, and I don't have friends because they're jealous, when in reality, everyone hates me, because I'm that weird short girl, with a big nose, who's the school punching bag. So just save it dad, ok."

"Is that really how you feel Pumpkin?"

"No, I'm going to my room. Get me when dinners ready." I said it completely void of all emotion; I went upstairs and went to sleep.

I was pleased to wake feeling refreshed and happy; I finished my workout regimen, showered, got ready, went to school, and didn't get slushied. It was an amazing day! AND I found my male lead Finn Hudson! I was pleasantly surprised to hear his voice, it was amazing! We were singing 'you're the one that I want' by 'grease', and he is the Danny to my Sandy.

When the music started, I didn't expect him to even be slightly talented, you know, because he kind of looked like a giant tree monster, he still does, but his voice makes him kind of handsome! "I've got chills, they're multiplying, and I'm losing control, because the power, you're supplying, it's electrifying" at my cue I threw my sheet music behind me because I already know all the lyrics. I was just so excited to finally find someone who complements my voice without being better than me. "you better shape up, because I need a man, but my heart is set on you, better shape up, you better understand, to my heart I must be true"

I can tell he liked me by the way he backed away every time I got close to him, begging me to come closer as we sang together. "Nothing left, nothing left, for me to do, you're the one that I want, oh oh oh honey, the one that I want-" and then we were so rudely interrupted by Mercedes.

"OH HELL TO THE NO! Look, I am not down with this background singing nonsense, I am Beyonce, I ain't no Kelly Roland."

"Ok Mercedes, it's just one song." Mr. Shuester said "And, it is the first time we've been kind of good." Kurt added "Ok, you good white boy, I'll give you that, but you better bring it." She smiled and looked at Finn "let's run it again." she then says to Mr. Shue, he smiles "Alright! Let's do it." He clapped once "from the top!"

We practiced for hours! We were so amazing! I can't wait until Saturday; Mr. Shue said we were going on a trip!

Saturday is here! And it's our first trip as a glee club to scope out our competition, and to see what we're up against. As Finn and I stood in line, in the lobby of the Carmel High Auditorium, which they were using to sell food and drinks, we started talking,

"You're very talented." I started "Really?" he actually sounded surprised. "Yeah, I would know, I'm very talented too." He didn't respond so I continued "I think the rest of the team expects us to become an item, you, the hot male lead, and me, the stunning young ingénue that everyone roots for."

"Well, I uh, have a girlfriend."

"Really? Who is it?"

"Quinn Fabray."

WHAT!

"Cheerleader, Quinn Fabray, the president of the celibacy club!"

MY TORMENTOR!

"Almost 4 months now, she's cool… I wonder if they have sour patch kids."

That's just great, HBIC, Quinn Fabray, And Finn Hudson, together, I know this emotion, and I don't like it! She gets everything! Beauty! Brains! Popularity! Friends! And Finn Hudson! This is not fair! She gets everything!-

A bell rang signaling for us to take our seats, interrupting my mental breakdown and it's a good thing too, or else my mind would explode with jealousy of Finn… I, I meant Quinn, yes, not Finn-

I'm glad Mr. Shue started talking to distract me from that odd thought. "Hey guys, this is supposed to be our 'competition' but I honestly don't think they've got the talent that we've got, so be a good audience alright, and give them some of that good ole' McKinley High respect."

We all got settled and the announcements started. "Please give a warm buck eye state welcome to last year's regional champion, VOCAL ADRENILINE!" the crowd goes wild, and then the lights go off and it gets quiet, the curtains open and I see thirty people on stage with matching blue and black outfits "Ohio, Ohio, Ohio. They try and make me go to rehab but I won't go, go, go"

"We're d-d-domed." I heard Tina say, you could literally hear our jaws on the floor 'we are doomed.' I thought. The ride home was silent, all of us knowing we need to get 100% better.

Mr. Shue called us into the auditorium for a meeting, of the emergency kind; we're probably just going to discuss ways to better ourselves. "Hey guys, I'm going to say this the easiest way I know how. I'm leaving, I need to find a new job, I'm so sorry." What? What about all of that hope raising crap he's always talking about! "You're leaving us, when?" Artie said. I couldn't speak at the moment

"I've given my two weeks' notice, but I promise I'm going to find you guys a great replacement before I go." Why? "Is this cause those Carmel kids were so good, Cause we can work harder." Mercedes said. RACHEL SPEAK! "This isn't fair Mr. Shuester; we can't do this without you." That a girl! "So does that mean that I don't have to be, in the club, anymore, or?" Finn said. And he doesn't even care! "This isn't about you guys, being an adult is about having to make difficult choices, it's not like High School, sometimes you have to, give up the things that, you love." He paused. "One day you guys are gonna grow up and understand that. I have loved being your teacher." And then he left, he just left.

I told Mercedes that I would be filling in for Mr. Shue, in hopes of her telling everyone else. And she told everyone, but Finn!

The next week I stopped by Finn's locker, when he closed it he looked startled. "I didn't see you at glee club today." "Is that still happening?" he said. "I've taken over." "Oh." He breathed with that cute-ish smile he does sometimes "I'm interim director, but I expect the position to become permanent." Then out of nowhere Quinn and Santana show up, where's Brittany?

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-Quinn's P.O.V_-_-_-_-_-_-_

"Hi Finn, RuPaul." I say turning to look at Manhands for a split second "hey." He breathed with that annoying smile he always greets me with. "What are you doing talking to her." He looks like a stupid baby right now. "Science project, we're partners." RuPaul says quickly, like Santana and I didn't just hear their entire conversation, I ignored the 'thing' and went on.

"Christ crusaders tonight at 5:00, my house." "Sounds great." Ugh, I hate his face.

Speaking of things I hate, earlier last week Manhands sat on the bleachers and was stalking me and Santana, I didn't even notice her until my Spanish teacher, Mr. Shuester, walked to her and sat behind her off to the right. I tried ignoring her annoyingly short skirt, and the fact that she's always changing in to a different, even smaller outfit every time she gets slushied. How does she change so fast? "See something you like, Q?"

"Shut up, Santana." Where's Britt? "Where is your girlfriend, anyway?" I only said it to get a reaction from her and it worked too. "We're not dating!" where did that come from? I only said it as a joke. And she was doing the same thing to me, only what she implied was a billion times grosser. Eww, me gay? And with RuPaul! I could just throw up right now, I hate her! And it's not even possible,

Number one: I'm Christian, and Christians can't be gay and number two: I hate her! And her short skirts! I wound up staring again; squinting to make sure it was that dark pink almost purple skirt she likes to wear… That I hate! But then I realized she was looking at me as well, so I just acted like I was trying to see who she was, then I gave her my best HBIC glare. I heard Santana laugh, and I looked at her, she leaned over her leg, on top of my shoulder, and whispered in my ear "I bet you wish I was Berry."

What? Eww, I don't- wait a seco- no. eww. Quinn, SNAP OUT OF IT! And then I laughed like it was the funniest thing I've ever heard, but to be honest it scared me to death, and I just wanted to forget it, I also wanted Britt there to stop Santana from giving me images, sick, gross, nasty, disgusting images.

Thank goodness sue told us to go to the locker rooms to shower up and go home. I always shower last after everyone leaves, I like the alone time. Really, is that really the reason? YES! And it has absolutely, nothing to do with a naked Santana? EWW! NO! Ok, you keep telling yourself that. I WILL! Good.

OH MY GAY, I mean god, yes, god, not gay, I'm not gay!

I guess I should explain that. It's been happening ever since the beginning of this year, I mean, it's been happening since 8th grade but recently it's gotten a lot worse, I can't even concentrate in class, I'm practically failing everything: Social Studies, Spanish, Science, Gym; Pretty much everything but Language arts and Math. Thank goodness for Sue and the Cheerios. I swear you could commit genocide, if you have Sue; you're getting away with it.

Emma the captain before me, never passed a single class, guess where she is now, USC on a full cheerleading scholarship, and this year, I'm captain, me. Out of everyone on the team, I was chosen, Santana was a close second though, and that's really scary, I know we're best friends, but can you blame me? Even though she told me she'd never try anything, and that she was happy for me.

I have a confession, one I can't ever let leave me. About a week ago Finn went somewhere up state with his mom, to visit his uncle or something, so he wasn't here to help me get rid of 'those' thoughts like he usually does.

Puck called me, asking to hang out. I had just gotten home from school and Santana and Brittany were over, I asked them if it'd be alright if he came. We planned on drinking and talking about our problems, or in Santana's case, crying about them.

It was weird, when I asked if Puck could come and Santana replied "Sure." Britt got upset, visibly, and when Britt's sad, so is everyone around her. Santana dragged her in the hallway; they were out for a while. I took like two more shots, and put two more tally's on my wrist in green Sharpie, five minutes later they were back. Britt looked ecstatic.

Puck texted me saying that he'd be here at 9:00 PM, my parents were in New York city that week, and I asked if Britt and San could sleep over, they don't allow boy's over after 6:00 PM, but they wouldn't have been back till like Monday so it was fine.

Santana is the type of person that drinks like there's no tomorrow and makes sure that Britt does too, both of them were already down 8 shots each of Bacardi raspberry rum, and both of them weigh no more than 115 pounds, each. How would I know this? Because it's the maximum weight for a Cheerio, and I also know they didn't eat that day, Santana doesn't eat if she knows she's gonna drink, I only had three shots and ate like 7 Oreo's before that. I felt so fat and unattractive, I mean, look at them!

And right at that moment Britt took her shirt off, she gets 'Stripper Drunk', her bra was white with dark blue polka dots and a little black bow in front, and her abs were, don't even get me started.

Tell them more about how A-GAY-ZING B's body was. UGH! SHUT UP!

Not until you admit that you wanted her bra to 'mysteriously' 'fall off'. I DID NOT!

DID TOO!

Just let me tell the story!

Fine. Thank you! Where were we? Oh! Yeah, B gets 'Stripper Drunk', and she's also very affectionate with the people around her, which means, she's been making out with Santana for fifteen minutes "Guys" still making out "Guys" still making out "GUYS!" Santana slightly moves "what." She murmurs still attached to Britt "can you guys stop, you're making me uncomfortable" Britt stops kissing and looks up with a weird look on her face. "Wait, it's making you uncomfortable."

"What do you mean you?"

"Aren't you gay?"

"WHAT! NO, EW!"

"Oh, I'm sorry." Britt says.

Three seconds later Santana bursts out laughing, I just feel so, so naked and gross, and, and uncomfortable, and guilty? Why do I feel guilty?

"Why would you even think that?"

"I don't know. I just did."

"Maybe it's the fact that you've been watching us make out for ten minutes." Santana chimed in

"I have a boyfriend!"

"So do I, your point is" Britt said.

"You do?" Santana said getting upset

"Why are you getting upset, you're dating Puckerman."

"I'm not upset!"

"No, Britt. She's not upset, jealous yes, she is definitely jealous." I said trying to get her back for that whole "you've been watching us make out for ten minutes" thing. And she was the one with her tongue down Britt's throat, who I should mention is in fact, a girl! So who is she calling gay!

"How could I be jealous? I'm not with Britt like that, we're just friends! And so what, I got a little upset that one of my best friends didn't tell me something important, like, oh I don't know that fact that she got a boyfriend! And also, I'm not dating Puck!"

"Got that right." Puck said as he stuck his upper half through my window.

"So, what were you sexy's saying about me?" he said with that smirk he's always doing

"Oh nothing, just about how small your penis is." Santana said, stealing his smirk, making his expression turn into a 'what are you talking about' face, god what a cocky asshole.

By this point, I started to feel the Bacardi kicking in, and Puck brought two six packs of wine coolers, he calls them his 'I'm getting lucky drink'.

"And who exactly are you getting lucky with?" I asked out of blatant curiosity, because we all know it's not Britt, or San, and I never go far with anyone, I mean, the most I've ever done is let Finn touch my right boob.

Over the shirt, for .01 seconds. So what! I still did it! You've never touched him though, and in my opinion, that just screams gay. Well lucky for me, no one asked your opinion! Ok, you really need to snap out of this whole denial thing before it's too late, and you end up fat, ugly, and alone… with cats!

What do you mean 'denial', I am not in denial, and I'll prove it! How? I'm going to hook up with Puck. Do you remember Finn, AKA your BOYFRIEND! So what, he's not here, and every time I hook up with someone, you go away. Quinn, trust me, you don't want to do this. Yes. I do! Fine, but don't come crying to me when you get herpes or some other STD Pucks carrying. Ok!

I knew it was a bad idea, but whenever, 'those thoughts' happen I need to get rid of them. I just, have to.

It was just about 11:30 when Santana started crying and telling everyone she loved them, Britt was almost fully naked, in her bra and matching boy shorts, telling Santana "it's gonna be ok." And "I love you too." And "please stop crying, you're gonna make me cry" all while hugging her, in the sweetest way possible. I was honestly so drunk that 'those' thoughts were getting worse.

"I think we're gonna go." B said looking at Santana.

"What happened to sleeping over!" I slurred. I get a little angry when I'm drunk.

"Look at her, Q." she paused "She's really not feeling well, I have to take her home."

"Ok." I said "Feel better." Puck added.

After they left, Puck and I were playing Connect Four, you know, that game where one of you is red and the other one's black, and there's this thing that you put it in, and you have to get four in a row… I'm not very good at explaining things. But whatever, I'm just going to continue my story. We played like, nineteen games in a row; I lost all of them because I was so intoxicated.

So one thing led to another and, I started to think, 'what if I really am gay? I know I don't want to get with him' And it's those thoughts that not only scare me, but lead me to do really stupid things… I had sex with Puck. I don't know how it started I just remember him on top of me, and then me saying

"I can't do this." I couldn't really think of a reason why, I just couldn't.

"Yes you can, have another wine cooler." Trust me, I was drunk enough, so I came up with an excuse

"I'm president of the celibacy club, I took a vow."

"So did Santana and Brittany, and I had them."

"What about Finn, he's your best friend."

"Come on we're in high school, you think either one of us is gonna give a damn about Finn in three years. Life too much of experiences, you know, you don't get a metal at the finish line for being good, you just get dead."

In my drunken mind I thought that was the smartest thing anyone has ever said. And so I thought for a second,

1) it would get rid of 'those' thoughts

2) it would get rid of 'those' thoughts

3) it would get rid of 'those' thoughts

So I said what anyone would say in that situation

"Ok, but you can't tell anybody, I can't lose my rep."

And he replied "our secret, baby." And then kissed me

And then I suddenly thought 'I can't get pregnant.' So I pushed him off of me for a second and asked, "what about protection"

"I got it, trust me… This isn't just another hook up for me." he said getting a sweeter tone in his voice. As he was kissing my neck I whispered "tell me one more time." I just needed to hear someone tell me what I wanted to hear.

"You're not fat." I don't remember much after that except for the fact that it hurt and it burned and I didn't like it. Santana lost her virginity but wouldn't tell me how it felt, so I asked Britt, she said it was amazing and it didn't hurt at all, and then she started going in to detail, and Santana, told her to stop speaking, and then she stormed out of the room, which made Britt leave, but it didn't matter that she stopped speaking cause I didn't want to hear details anyway.

I feel so guilty right now, I mean, I cheated on Finn with his best friend! After Puck left that morning I woke up, cried, and then called Britt to come over with Santana, because I wanted to talk to them. But Santana was sleeping, I asked if I could come over and we could talk till San woke up.

I drove to Britt's house, it's always been the house that makes you feel more at home than when you're at your own house, I don't know how to explain it, I can just be myself there, I don't have to be Quinn Fabray: head cheerleader.

Before I left, I changed out of my cheerios uniform; apparently it was kept on, because I felt fat and didn't want him looking at my body. I changed into black yoga pants, my old pink furry slippers, I threw on my WMHS hooded sweatshirt, put on my glasses, because I was too lazy to put in my contacts, and put my hair in a messy bun. I brought I change of clothes to Britt's house cause I need to shower, and I don't want to stay at my house any longer.


	2. Chapter 2

Hey Britt, I'm here!" I called as I walked into her house; she was in the kitchen making some sort of feast fit for a king.

"Hey Q, Come over here!" she screams, excited to see me. I practically sprinted into the kitchen (more of a jog), slipping on milk and falling on my ass, I grabbed Britt to try and not fall but instead we wound up both losing our balance and falling. I don't even know how to describe the weird position's we fell in. I just fell on my ass and got pretty much the whole thing of pancake batter in my hair and Britt fell on one of her 10 year old sister's Barbie's. The face she made was priceless.

We looked at each other, looked at the mess we made, looked back at each other, and laughed that silent laugh that makes you look ridiculous. Just sitting on the floor, covered in pancake batter and orange juice, and every time we stopped laughing, we would look at each other and laugh again. It was honestly the happiest I've been in a really long time…

After we cleaned up, still partially laughing at random moments in time, I remembered why I came over, I was gonna tell Brittany about what happened with me and Puck. But I decided against it, I don't know why I did, probably because she'd tell Santana and we all know that her and Puck are gonna be together by next week, and then she's gonna get all mad at me.

But maybe if I tell them they'll stop calling me gay… so what, they don't need to know, it's not like they will ever find out and leave me.

"Are you ok?" Britt asked.

"Yeah, why?"

"You look like you're in deep thought."

"No, I'm just wondering if Santana's awake yet."

"Let's go see, I made breakfast in bed for her." She said getting up from the table and getting one of those tray things that you only see in the movies. She made her pancakes, bacon, those little sausage things, orange juice, and toast. For some reason unknown to man Santana never gets hangovers, she just get extremely hungry, same with Britt, they always make each other breakfast the night after one of them gets really bad.

When we got into Britt's room, Santana was dead asleep cuddling lord Tubbington, Brittany's obese cat. Britt told me to be quiet and let her sleep… so of course I listened… just kidding, I got really close to her ear and screamed "FIRE!" she jumped, hit her head on the bed post, and then fell off the bed.

I was proud, it was a proud moment. I got her back for the time she pretended we were crashing on the plane on the way to cheerleading nationals in Los Angeles.

"Joder!"

"You could speak English." I said, trying to piss her off a little bit. I didn't want to get her mad, just a little riled up.

"Go fuck yourself Fabray"

"Is that what you said, because it seemed like one word?" I asked fully curious.

"It means the F word." Britt chimed in. She doesn't like to use curse words for some reason, she says it hurts her ears, or something about dolphins getting sad and losing their fins.

"I don't get it Britt, if you don't like cursing, why are you best friends with Santana?"

"Cause, I love Santana more than I hate cursing."

"Aww, really Britt? I love you too, Bestie… it's like we're sisters."

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_Brittany's P.O.V_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Ugh, I absolutely hate when she says that, I don't want to be sisters… I really love her, like I'm so in love with her. I know she loves me too but her love is different than mine. She doesn't want lady-babies with me… which is weird because I'm pretty sure everyone wants babies with me.

Or at least she tells me she doesn't want them with me, and I really have no reason to not trust her.

It all started when I met her in kindergarten, I was eating glue when she told me to stop, and that her dad was a doctor, and it could make my tummy hurt.

From that point on, we were inseparable. And when we found out that we wouldn't both be in Mrs. Peter's first grade class together we cried, and her dad transferred her in to my class after the first week. That was when she let us hold hands everywhere, now we're not allowed to, because it looks 'weird' that was one of the only times Santana made me cry, and I knew she didn't mean to, she was just trying to fit in.

In second grade I met her parents; she only went to my house at first cause her parents were never home, but than her mom's boss went crazy, and tried to murder the president, And wound up getting her mom's whole branch shut down. Maria was upset at first but then she realized that her husband, Manuel, was not only super-hot but an extremely wealthy and famous doctor and she could stay home and take care of Santana. I swear the Lopez parents are straight out of one of my mom's soap operas, because not only are they unrealistically attractive they're lovely people who love their only daughter. After weeks out of work Maria realized that she loved spending time with both of us, and they accepted me in as one of their own.

In 4th grade she told me we couldn't hold hands after Rachel Berry said "I'm glad our grade is so accepting of homosexuality, considering where we live." I remember Santana pushed her in to the garbage can and told her to shut up in Spanish. I actually learned how to speak Spanish by hanging out with their family for so long; it's the only class I'm passing this year… so anyway, back to the story… Santana sat down at lunch with me and I went to grab her hand like we did the year before, and she pulled her hand away, when she saw my face she could see that I was upset, she always knows when I'm upset. She said "hey Britt, please don't be sad. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, I just don't want anyone to think we're weird… please forgive me…" when I didn't answer she hooked our pinkies together "here… we could do this… okay?"

A smile snuck on to my face, and I felt my heart flutter when she grabbed my pinky, and every time she does I get the same feeling.

In 6th grade we kissed for the first time at one of our sleepovers. We were just watching TV in my room reading magazines and doing each other's nails when "do you know how to kiss?" I asked. "Of course I know how to kiss, don't you?" she said. "Well obviously I know how to kiss, I'm not that stupid. I just don't know if I'd be good at it." Santana replied quickly saying "good point, but if you ever say you're stupid again, we can't be friends, because I'm not friends with liars and saying you're stupid would be the biggest lie ever… you're the smartest person I've ever met, and when you talk about you're self like that, it makes me sad. You're the best, you should know that."

I smiled at her and said thank you, it was quiet for about one minute, not awkwardly quiet but just enjoying each other's company quiet, until Santana spoke again "what did you mean by that thing before?" she asked. "What thing?" I said having forgot the conversation beforehand.

"About not being good at kissing, Could you be bad at it?" I didn't know it then but she would have ruined all other kisses for me forever, because her kiss will always be the best I've ever had. "Well my cousin Jessica said that her ex-boyfriend sucked at kissing, but her new boyfriend was really good at it." I replied. "Will I be bad?" she asked like I would've known the answer, and you could hear the insecurity in her voice. "I don't know." It was really quiet until Santana spoke up again "I know how we could find out." I was surprised by her voice. "How?" I asked genuinely curious

"Never mind, it's dumb." I was stunned that she doubted herself; she's always been so self-assure. "Nothing you say is dumb, S." I gave her a smile that urged her on.

"Well… we could… mrhhhfffff." She mumbled the last bit. "We could…" I said hoping she'd repeat the end of her sentence. "Never mind!" she said obviously trying not to embarrass herself. "San, why can't you just say it, you've never not been able to tell me stuff." I sounded hurt and she picked up on it. "We could like… I don't know… practice… On each other… Or something."

The moment she said it I knew what it meant, I felt week and something else I couldn't describe. It felt like a weirdly wonderful heat traveled… down there. I was actually so excited. "You, you mean like, kissing and stuff?" I asked a bit shocked, and I know I was a little kid, but also turned on. "I knew it was stupid." She said getting insecure and getting off the bed to get a magazine. "No! No, I mean, I want to." I said a little too excited. She stopped in her tracks and said "really?" I replied quickly with "yeah, it'll be fun!" I saw Santana smile and sit on the bed.

"Okay, so what do we do first?" I asked.

"Let's turn off the TV first." She got up, turned off the TV, got back on the bed and sat cross legged in front of me. I followed suit by changing my position to match hers.

"Okay, so what now, S?" I asked getting more excited.

"Um, we… we lean forward I guess." And as we both leaned forward she stopped suddenly before we could kiss and pulled away getting up and going to my dresser.

"What are you doing?" I laughed cause she looked hilarious just getting up and looking through my dresser like a maniac.

"Getting something!" she said distracted.

"What?" I asked curious. She came over to the bed and sat in the same position as before.

"these." She said holding two hair bands. Confused I asked

"What're those for?"

"To hold our hair back, duh." She stated like it made the most sense ever.

"Ok, why though?" I asked

"To be like, I don't know, neat I guess?"

I laughed loudly.

"Okay, well then… let's get started." She said clapping once at the end like you do to get things going sometimes.

"Let's just do what we see in the movies Britt, close our eyes, do this with our lips," she pursed her lips "lean in and kiss. It's that simple, right?" she said seeming more like she's convincing herself than me.

"Yeah, let's do it." I felt movie butterflies, you know, like in the movies when they explain how butterflies feel, well I felt like that seen in Little Nicky. I felt like if I fell out of my window all these butterflies in my stomach would keep me safe in the air. And I didn't even kiss her yet; we were just lingering in front of each other's mouths… until we weren't.

I made the first move by barely placing my upper lip on top of hers and waiting for her to kiss me back, she gave in to me, and leaned forward slightly, I felt her breath hitch, and we sat still with our lips attached until Santana opened her mouth slightly and when she closed her mouth I opened mine, the next go around with that, she brushed her tongue across the bottom of my lower lip, obviously wanting access in, it was granted immediately.

We got more into it, exploring each other's bodies with our hands, there was nothing so risqué about our touching, it was just skin grazing ending with Santana's hands in my hair making us be closer. It was that moment I knew I was in love with her.

The first time we went further than kissing was the summer going into 8th grade, and I say further than kissing cause it wasn't only sex like Santana say's it was it was other things too.

At the end of 7th grade going into the summer I noticed Santana started getting boobs, I mean, how could I have not noticed. We went in the pool and took showers together, naked. Now that I think about it we were always getting naked in front of each other. I started noticing that she was getting curvy and her butt was awesome, she had a perfect body, and the entire boy population started to notice.

I developed too over the summer. My boobs were also awesome, and they still are. I got the same attention from boys that she did, but I didn't take as much advantage of it.

We were in her room getting dressed and doing our makeup when her pink MOTAROLA RAZR buzzed twice.

"Could you see what that says?" she asked putting on mascara and looking in the mirror.

"Yeah." I say as I reach over and grab it.

"It says 'hey San its Puck are you coming tonight? I'm not sure if you lost my number, cause you haven't replied to me since you went dow-" she snatched the phone out of my hand and tried to play it cool.

"Whoa, calm down, what was that about?"

"Nothing."

"It obviously wasn't 'nothing' or you wouldn't have acted like that." I said a little hurt and kind of angry that she didn't want to share this with me, because we share everything always.

"Just leave it alone, Britt." She said blowing me off slightly and finishing her eye makeup.

"Why are you being like this?"

"Like what?" she said annoyed.

"Mean, you've been really mean lately, San, and I really don't like it."

"Can we not fucking talk about this right now?" she said not raising her voice to me but obviously getting frustrated.

"Then when, Santana? When could we talk cause recently you're not treating me nicely, and you told me to not take it when someone's mean and to tell you who's making me feel that way, well here I am, telling you."

"SHUT UP! I don't want to fucking talk about this! I just want to get ready! And go to this stupid fucking party! OKAY!"

"I'm leaving." I say calmly

"FINE! FUCKING LEAVE!" she yelled at me as I walked passed her and left her house.

I waited at the corner of the next block for my mom

"Hi sweetie, what happened?" my mom said looking absolutely heartbroken… and she could've said the same for me.

"Santana yelled at me." I said quietly, she could tell I was hysterical crying not long before, by my eyes and the quick short breaths I would take every once in a while, you know the ones you take after you cry so hard and you've kind of calmed down but not really…

The next time my mom asked me a question I was lying in my bed turned on my side, with her next to me rubbing circles on my back. The lamp next to my bed was turned on and I felt really little again, like the time my goldfish, Frank, died. And my mom spent the entire night by my side just rubbing my back.

"Would you like to talk now?" she asked. And when I didn't answer she spoke again.

"You know, talking things out will always make you feel better."

"It didn't today." I said scratchily because I didn't speak for a while and my voice got that way.

"Why don't you tell me what happened so I can help." She asked. I coughed to clear my throat and spoke.

"But you can't help. She doesn't like me anymore."

"Did she say that?"

"Well… no."

"Then you don't know that for sure." she said.

"I know she hates me."

"Did she say that?"

"No, but she was yelling at me an-"

"Don't you yell at Jamie?"

"Yeah, so?" I said not getting the point.

"Do you hate her?"

"No, she's my sister."

"Don't you and Santana call each other sisters?"

"Yeah."

"Then that should be enough, I know you guys are going to make up, even if it feels like you won't. Santana looks at you like you're the best thing in her life, and she wouldn't stop feeling like that overnight." When my mom said that I felt better, she put it in a way that would be easy for a 13 year old to understand; I think she's the reason I understand and know how to deal with sad people and with people in general.

At that exact moment in time my 8 year old sister came into the room and told my mom she had a bad dream, I didn't really care that my mom left to deal with her, cause at that moment in time I wanted to be alone.

I was woken from a sound sleep and 3:30 in the morning, I saw someone fall ungracefully through my window and stumble in next to me.

"Hey, Britt-Britt."

"Eww, Santana. You smell like liquor and cigarettes. What are you doing here anyway I thought we were in a fight?" I asked lazily and, having just been woken from a sound sleep, a little moody.

"I missed you, it's the first time I've ever gotten drunk without you there and it felt strange." She crawled under the covers and wrapped her arms around me. It was mid-summer and she managed to be absolutely freezing.

"Hey Britt?" she whispered.

"Yeah?" I whispered back.

"I love you." my heart fluttered in my chest.

"I love you too." I whispered, as tears left my eyes. I didn't know why I was crying, but Santana picked up on it and asked me to turn my body and face her.

"What's wrong, Britt?" she asked wiping my freely flowing tears away with her cold thumb. I smelled liquor on her breath as she whispered to me, but I didn't really care that she was drunk, because she always did things drunk that she wished she could do sober.

"I don't know." I answered honestly.

"Please don't cry, I don't like seeing you cry." We laid in silence for 5 minutes, not moving or saying anything, until I felt a cold hand graze up my thigh, and slowly ride up my shirt. Goosebumps followed wherever Santana's hand went, after a while of her hand just lying under my shirt she moved it up and lightly touched the bottom part of my breast. My breath hitched at the new sensation, she moved her hand to cup my breast and her thumb was rubbing circles on my nipple, I didn't know what to do, I was 13 years old, all I knew in that moment was I didn't want it to stop.

"Do you want me to stop?" she asked.

"no." I breathed. Santana sat up a little bit and took her shirt off, there was just enough moon coming through my window to see the curvature of her body, she was wearing a tight black dress, and now she was in nothing but her black bra and the matching thong that we went together to buy, I got instantly hot and took my oversized white T-shirt off, I wasn't wearing a bra for obvious reasons, and I don't like to sleep with underwear on.

"I'm sorry." She said

"For what?"

She answered with a kiss, it was hard and desperate and needy, like she needed to kiss me in order to live. I unhooked her bra with fumbling shaky hands and once I saw her breasts I went straight for the kill and licked her left nipple paying attention to the other one with my thumb. as I took her nipple into my mouth, I wrapped my arms around her small frame and felt goose bumps travel with my hands and a moan escape her lips, I became increasingly more confident knowing I made her make those noises. I pushed her down on my bed and stayed on top of her, I kissed down her neck and found her sweet spot on her collarbone, making her moan louder.

"Ohh god." she said shakily.

I kissed all around her breasts making sure I didn't miss a single part of them, as I made my way down her stomach and got close to her heat, I feel her twitch.

I looked her in the eye from my position in between her legs, I could smell her from where I was, and it was making me embarrassingly wet.

As I lingered in front of her thong for 5 seconds and she speaks up. "Please, take me."

I knew what she meant by that, and so I slowly lifted her lower half up and took off her thong; I had seen her naked before but it was different this time. I could 'take her' I was so close.

"Please," she was begging for it, literally.

I licked her center; it was so wet and ready for me, Santana moaned on contact and I took her clit in my mouth, I figured out what I should do down there, I practiced enough on myself to know what'd she'd like. I took my index finger and teased her entrance she moaned loudly when I inserted it in her, she bucked her hips to tell me 'more' and I listened. Adding another finger I left my place between her legs and kissed her. We rocked together as I entered and withdrew from her, I put my thumb on her clit and continued to rock until I felt her clench around my fingers she dug her nails in my back, and tried her best to suppress the mother of all moans.

We went to sleep cuddled in each other's arms, like every sleepover we've ever had.

I woke about an hour later, Santana made her way on top of me, she saw I had woken and said

"I'm sorry I woke you, but it's your turn." She seemed incredibly nervous and shaky, I hadn't seen her this un-sure of what to do since the first time we kissed, and that was almost two years ago, we've kissed a lot since then.

Santana stayed between my legs and started kissing my neck; I could tell she sobered up by her shyness and quietness, and her amount of concentration, I was still so unbelievably wet, it was actually getting uncomfortable "San, please just fuck me."

She looked shocked, probably because I never curse, or because I was so strait forward with what I wanted.

She stayed in between my legs and thrust two fingers into me I felt like I could cum just from that alone, she obviously took some tips from me and put her thumb on my clit she got through two more thrusts until I came… hard.

After she pulled her fingers out of me, she licked them clean. It was literally the sexiest thing I have ever seen.

We both woke up around nine in the morning, just tangled up in each other. I couldn't believe that I had sex. We didn't even know what we we're doing, but it came so naturally for us.

I just didn't want things to be awkward when we woke up. Santana has always second guessed herself, like whenever she tells someone a secret, she feels guilty afterwards, and shuts off and ignores people… especially me.

But to my surprise, it wasn't awkward at all. We got up like we always did, watched Tom & Jerry, a tradition since our first sleepover, and ate my mom's pancakes. It was all the same… and yet completely different. We sat closer; always had our pinkies linked, and were always touching one another, we literally were with each other every day.

We never brought it up, we were only 13, not really the age to do this type of stuff, but if we never did stuff like drink, and smoke cigarettes, and a lot of pot in the summer going into 9th grade, we still would've had sex eventually. Maybe at a more appropriate age, under better circumstances, But there is no doubt in my mind; we would have sex either way.

"Hey Chica's." my mom said with no pronunciation as she walked down the stairs.

"Hey mom, Santana's here. She came over last night and apologized." I said with a dopey, love struck smile.

"I know, I heard her fall through your window. And you two little devils stayed up quite late."

I thought we were caught, for sure. But my mom speaks again.

"Just turn the TV lower next time, Okay girls?" she was standing next to the coffee machine. "And stay off your father's channels. I used to snoop through my dad's magazines with my friends too, you know. I get that you're curious; it's that age where you start to think about these things more, but be careful and safe, when you start to… 'talk' to boys, ok." Santana's face has never been that red, we've watched my dad's 'special' channels before. But the volume was completely off when we did, because we didn't want to get caught.

"Okay." I said. My mom is a sex therapist, so she always talked about this stuff with me. Santana's mom was never really comfortable talking about that stuff. But her dad on the other hand, wanted her to be prepared for what he knew was going to happen one day, so he gave her 'the talk' once in passing.

I knew why she was embarrassed in front of my mom, because even though my mom wouldn't have cared at all if Santana was with another girl, Santana cared. And it never bothered me until this year.


End file.
